Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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