Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
