Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
