Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
