tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
