who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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