Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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