So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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