I met the friendliest cop last night
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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