i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
