Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
