I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
