I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
