wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
worst night to have a conscience
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
