my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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