Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
