I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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