I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's blow job season.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
