Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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