I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
