so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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