Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
