my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
is that a dick in a sweater?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
