I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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