I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
