My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
