I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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