If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
