took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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