I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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