i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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