Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
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So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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