so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
