I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
