walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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