i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
