shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
