yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
