Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
