there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
