I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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