I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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