and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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