dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
