My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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