when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
