At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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