I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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