My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
