East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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