I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
