You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
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