she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
