Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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