He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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