I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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