You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
